Cruising Florida’s waterways and the awesome Atlantic Ocean can be a magnificent, multicultural event, or it can be a nautical nightmare. Through very thorough observations, actually sharing a meal with some of these individuals, and being a boatowner myself, I have been able to categorize this amazing array of flotilla and have determined that the size and shape of a boat will indicate what the owner has for lunch. After reading this Guide you will be able to navigate not only the lunch you like but life itself and both will be a lot less threatening. Here then is my unbiased personal view of boaters and what to expect should an invitation present itself.

Historically, sailors, specifically those who allow the wind to move their boats, have had more novels written about them than any other boater. Eulogized by Hermann Melville, Ernest Hemingway and Sterling Hayden, they are sometimes perceived by others - and themselves as well - to be the intellectuals of the seas. Contemporary sailboat owners say that they are deeply concerned with world ecology and often use this as their excuse to forge their primitive instincts against the basic elements of nature without benefit of fuel. To perpetuate their well-established profile, sailboat owners peruse at least one newspaper daily, subscribe to New Zealand Boat Builders and read 4.5 novels per year.

Lunch will involve docking at a moderate restaurant and ordering sensible food. Sailboat owners may appear to be smoking a pipe, but don’t. They do, however, order dark ale in chilled mugs, discuss chess matches in quiet tones, and try to conceal the fact that they feel superior to other boaters particularly if their boat is more than 30 feet in length. Almost all boat owners will want a table with a view of their own boat, and the closer the better. This behavior did baffle me I admit, until I bought my own boat. It is one of those mystifying secrets of the sea, I suppose.

Sailboat owners also drive intelligent cars such as Volvos, and their homes are furnished with "good" pieces which they have recovered about every 30 years. Naturally, they send their children to sailing camps in the Pocanos every summer. Touching their trimmed beards, they fantasize about quitting their jobs and sailing around the world forever, but don’t. They give idyllic, sweet names to their boats after women lost in tragic love affair.

Another class of boaters found along the waterways are the offshore powerboat racers. Neon graphics with names like "Avenger", "Double Down Devil" and "Killer" will identify the powerboat owner. This boat owner often confuses the word ecology for economy, if they think of either word at all, but like sailors, they also love to forge their primitive instincts against the forces of nature and this occupies most of their minds most of the time. The quest for winning has long ago replaced any form of reason, and running out of fuel is the worse nightmare they can imagine. It is best to avoid any comments about endangered manatees or mangrove trees. Offshore racers read the sports section of the Daily News only if race details are given. Their dream is to win the Key West Offshore World Championship race as they think the United States is the world.

It is an excellent idea to eat something before lunch, as this is the most difficult time for powerboat owners. Usually they rely on the enormous roar of their engines to preclude any conversations and prevent embarrassing moments of having nothing to say, so stopping for lunch will involve gunning the boat into the dock of a smart upscale restaurant, revving the engines for one half hour and leaving with as much wake and fumes as possible.

A trip to their homes will reveal a Corvette parked in the driveway for which they pay 1.2 million dollars to insure as vehicle and life insurance are considered very worthwhile expenditures. The decor found in powerboat owners’ homes will include a giant screen, matte-black TV with one thousand channels. Occasionally they have children who play Nintendos and Ataris in another room. The ancient practice of naming a ship after a woman is much too confusing for a racer, as girlfriends come and go at a fairly rapid rate. Like sailboat owners, racers don’t smoke as this is perceived as "old" which is perceived as a bad thing. I was not able to discern why they name the models of their racing boats "Cigarettes", so again, this is another mystery of the sea..

The Yachtsman comprises my third category of boaters. Yachtsmen typically appear to be emotionally secure and have nothing to prove, either to nature or others, and through careful over-education have neatly repressed their primitive instincts. World economy and ecological concerns share equal space in their mentalities, and sizable checks are written yearly to Greenspeace which alleviates any guilt resulting from the consumption of fuel by at least two engines and one generator which power ice makers and several air conditioning units. Carefully placed on glowing teak-top tables are copies of The Wall Street Journal and John Rewald’s The History of Impressionism. Yacht owners read approximately 5, 234 stock and annual reports per year.

A favorite luncheon is one on board with a variety of people invited who hopefully will forestall boredom. One can look forward to cold lobster salads on most occasions and the smell of illegal Cuban cigar smoke. Yachtsmen stock their galleys with San Peligrino bottled water, but may occasionally have a scotch before lunch.

This ocean-going boater is not overly concerned with the vehicle he or she drives, but usually own Land Rovers and older Cadillacs which are paid for. Boca Raton decorators decide an acceptable decor for their homes. Their children are rarely seen as they are at boarding school or university studying corporate law and how to be in a position to buy their own yachts. The names of their yachts are never changed from the moment of the ship’s christening. If this well adhered-to taboo for large boat owners were ignored, it would curse their owners to bad luck forever after. Since romance is rarely allowed to interfere with a yachtsman’s overall sense of well being, not being able to name their yachts only mildly affects their ego, but may occasionally force them to have their own yachts built.

Sitting here aboard my tugboat, I am quite pleased to produce this edifying piece of information for boaters everywhere, scant as it is. I could go on and on with further enlightenment for my kind reader, but now I must make a sincere attempt to repair my rusty bilge pump so that I don’t sink into the sea altogether. The strong smelling squid I had planned to turn into succulent calamari must wait for another day. Be sure to read next month’s edition of my Guide: "Rafting with the Mambo Kings of Cuba", "Good Ole Boy Fishermen I Have Known" and "Steerage Can Be Swell".
 

Another in a Series of "My Miami", or "Why I Love The Gunshine State"..by boomer.com

(an alias so that I will be able to continue to eat lunch in this town).

Care to read Queen of the Alley?